Dangan Ronpa Western
by Sith Droideka
Summary: Sheriff Hifumi Yamada is the sheriff of Ded City, Nevada, a prosperous little valley city in the heart of the Old West. Joined by his deputy Kiyotaka Ishimaru, Sheriff Yamada seeks to take on the Live Gang, a group of semi-vicious desperadoes and outlaws lead by Byakuya "Doc" Togami, and win the heart of the lovely Miss Alter Ego.
1. The Live Gang

A/N: Here I am again, with a _slightly _less serious Dangan Ronpa fanfic. You see, I noticed a critical lack of Westerns for Dangan Ronpa, so I decided to make one. My apologies if the characters are parodies of themselves, though I assure you: that is entirely intended. Now, without further to do:

* * *

The tumbleweeds blew across the dusty frontier town like a couple of Pokéballs. That was what Sheriff Hifumi Yamada thought, at least. He was the sheriff of Ded City, in Hope's Peak Valley, Nevada, population: 3000. And he only had one deputy. But Sheriff Yamada liked it that way. He liked being almost the sole upkeeper of the law in this dry-as-the-bone prospector town.

The Sheriff was dressed like all sheriffs worth their salt did: your typical cowboy hat, but with a bright white 10-gallon hat, spurs on the long snakeskin boots, and the grimy copper sheriff's badge pinned to the chest. He walked down Main Street, passing by the Mondo Saloon and the Despair Brothel, two prominent features of the town. Then he walked past the residence of the local blacksmith, Sakura "The Ogre" Oogami, and, across the street, the Chihiro Boutique. Past them, was the house of his loyal deputy, Kiyotaka Ishimaru, and across from the him the home of the lovely Miss Alter Ego. And past _them_ was the Leon General Store and the Lunderburg Casino. Across from those two was the Maizono mansion. Finally, Yamada past his very own home, and across from that was his jail, decked out with 2-D girls. Finally, he walked up to the Monobank, run by the local bear, Monobear.

"Sometimes I do wonder," Yamada said aloud to no one in particular, "why a bear runs a bank."

"It's because I'm a bear, you bastard!" shouted Monobear back, from inside the bank, as he always did at this hour. A bird cawed. More tumbleweeds passed by.

Sheriff Yamada could tell that trouble was running into this town. He turned around, his hands on his pencil-holsters, and narrowed his eyes at a dust cloud rapidly approaching Ded City. He knew these criminals. He knew them well. They always slipped his grasp, but not today. For today, he was to propose to the lovely Miss Alter Ego, and he couldn't look like a fool. Again. For the 36th time.

There were six of them. Yes, six heinous criminals... the Live Gang. There was their leader, or he thought he was their leader, the nefarious Doc Togami, lover of all things money. And himself. There was his blood-soaked right-hand-woman, the infamous Genocider Syo, or at least she considered herself his right-hand-woman. There was Aoi "The Donuts Kid" Asahina, an infamous thief who left many a bakery barren all to feed her ravenous appetite. There was Crazy Kure, who dueled with twin crystal balls and was, well, crazy. Finally, there was the lone couple of the group, Kyoukou Kirigiri, a former Pinkerton detective, and her husband, Makoto Naegi, the deadliest mystery-solving and bank-robbing couple in the Old West.

They were famous for their skills, skills that had earned them the titles, "Super Bandit Level". Doc Togami, a handsome young man from the powerful Togami clan out in the east was "Super Bandit Level Heir", who had only two loves: himself and money. Syo was a writer with a split personality from the capital who'd taken a blow to the head one day and been stuck permanently as her serial-killer alter ego, and one day on a whim had stalked Doc Togami out from the states to the frontier; she was "Super Bandit Level Serial Killer". The Donuts Kid was once a champion swimmer from New York, who, after a betrayal, had headed west to make her fortune, only for it all to be lost by yet another betrayal; she turned now on eating as many of her favorite foodsnacks instead, earning the title "Super Bandit Level Donut Glutton". Crazy Kure was a mystery: all that was known about his sordid past was that he drank a lot, he had a thing with the owner of the Lunderburg Casino, and he was once a rich and handsome horse rancher who'd descended into crime, and he loved the occult, making him known as "Super Bandit Level Crazy Fortuneteller". Finally, there was Kirigiri and Naegi. They met in Philadelphia, where Kirigiri was hired to break a strike and Naegi was supposed to represent the unions, except that they fell heads-over-heels in love with each other and abandoned the whole operation to head west. After a certain point, Naegi ("Super Bandit Level Unifier") and Kirigiri ("Super Bandit Level Gunman") had married and began a life of crime... or something, since their crimes were always very unclear.

And Yamada was the only person who stood in the way of their trashing the city, looking for gold, booze, and other things evildoers usually wanted. He hiked up his belt, and stared off into the dust with stoic determination, oozing so much that Miss Alter Ego, watching from her porch, practically swooned. Yes, today would be the day, where the Live Gang would finally be brought to justice.

* * *

The saloon doors burst open and in walked Kirigiri and Naegi. They both looked imposing, tall strangers with purple and green bandanas respectively, but they had their eyes narrowed at every cowboy in the saloon. The bartender, Mondo, watched the criminal duo as they stalked across the bar floor and up to the counter. "Bartender," Naegi said gruffly, "I'll have a sarsaparilla." He sat down on a bench, and pulled his gun.

"Bartender," added Kirigiri, as she too sat down, "my companion and I will have a tequila." And she, too, pulled out a gun.

"You still want that sarsaparilla?" Mondo asked, eyeing Naegi.

Naegi glanced at his wife, and shook his head. "On second thought," he said, "I'll just have that tequila."

Mondo turned away from the two and rolled his eyes. He heard a gun-hammer cock, so he turned around and served the tequila. "You two just love to drink, don't you," Mondo said conversationally- they were, after all, two of his best costumers, since Naegi routinely gave him quite a large tip. "You always do what Kirigiri here says, Naegi?" Naegi meekly nodded, looking like a rather ridiculous desperado in the process.

Kirigiri elbowed Naegi, hard. "Just drink your tequila," she ordered.

He replied meekly, "Yes dear."

* * *

Doc Togami sauntered into the Despair Brothel, and was greeted by its general manager, Mukuro Ikusaba, a young woman dressed in a _very _low cut top and _very _short skirt that didn't really leave much to the imagination. "Welcome to the Despair Brothel," Ikusaba said in the best 'sexy' voice she could muster, which honestly sounded rather constipated. "Which one of our _lovely _ladies do you want to see today?" she drawled.

"Your money," replied Doc Togami. Ikusaba arched an eyebrow.

"Listen, it's our money," she snapped, her voice switching to a more anger-filled tone, "get your hands off it. Take one of the girls if you like-"

"You misunderstand," Doc Togami snapped back. He smoothed his hair, chuckled once or twice, and then said haughtily, standing tall over Ikusaba and looking down at her, "I want to sleep with your money."

"C-come again?" Ikusaba blinked. She _knew _she shouldn't have accepted her sister's job offer. "Our _money_? Like, sexually?"

"Exactly," Doc Togami said. "And give us a room with a mirror in it, while you're at it." He pulled his gun out. "And I'll pay handsomely for this encounter."

Ikusaba sighed heavily, and then said, tiredly, "Come with me." She lead Doc Togami through the door into the brothel proper.

* * *

Sakura was at the cash register in the Leon General Store, buying a new package of protein shakes, when the door swung open and "The Donuts Kid" Asahina walked in. While the cashier, Leon, ducked out of sight, Sakura simply stared The Donuts Kid down. Once, the two had been best of friends, before the donut addiction set in.

"Give. Me. Donuts," Asahina growled, slowly walked into the store, her guns bared, and her teeth gritted.

"I won't let you steal them, Aoi," Sakura said simply, and she looked upon her old friend fearlessly. "I won't let you steal them like you once stole my heart."

"That's tough words coming from you, Sakura," Asahina said coldly. "Tough words from 'The Ogre'. We used to rob towns from dawn until dusk, we used to steal cattle together, raid forts, hold up stagecoaches- and you threw it all away to be a blacksmith."

Asahina and Sakura stared each other down. Then, Sakura began to reach for her protein drinks, pointing their tops at Asahina, as the latter aimed her guns at the former bandit...

* * *

Lunderburg Casino was always packed with miners gambling away their hard-earned paychecks for a chance at winning big and leaving the mines. Today was no exception, although, unlike the usual, a crazy man was playing poker with the owner of the establishment, Celes, and losing miserably. Not that he seemed to care.

"The spirits of aliens and the futures say-" Crazy Kure began. Celes responded by slapping a single card down (a 2 of Hearts, to be exact), and Crazy Kure shoved all his chips towards her. "You win again," he said dejectedly.

Celes snapped her fingers and two vampire manservants rushed forward to place two shot glasses and a bottle of whiskey on the table. "Another game, Yasuhiro?" she said, with a devious smile.

* * *

Yamada stood at the entrance to the Monobank, facing down Genocider Syo. "Listen up, here, Genocider," Yamada growled. He had twin pencils pulled out, facing down Syo and her scissors. "This here town ain't big enough for the both of us."

Syo giggled madly. "Don't worry," she said, leaning forward ever-so-slightly, "I'm only here for my Byakuya-sama."

"I know you were once an artist," Yamada continued. "And I'll have you know, before I was a sheriff, I was an artist. And we can't have two artists in this here town."

Syo chuckled... malevolently. "Very well," she said, in a sing-song voice, "I, Genocider Syo, the great artist of death and Super Bandit Level Serial Killer, challenge you to a duel!" She pointed her scissors at Yamada and laughed wildly. "At high noon!"

Yamada's eyes flickered to the lovely Miss Alter Ego, who was watching the sheriff with bated breath. Yamada allowed himself to smirk a little, put up his pencils, and tilted his hat downwards. "I accept your challenge," he announced.

* * *

The doors to the saloon burst open again, and Deputy Ishimaru stomped up to the bar. All the other drinkers had retreated to the tables at the sides of the bar, leaving just Kirigiri and Naegi to drink at the bar alone. "I understand you two think you can just walk into town and act like you own the place," Ishimaru charged. Kirigiri and Naegi just kept drinking. "Draw, strangers."

Kirigiri put her drink down, slamming the shot-glass down hard on the counter. Without even looking at Ishimaru, she aimed her gun behind her, directly at him. Naegi quickly followed suit. She moved to pull the trigger, and with a girlish scream Ishimaru jumped out of the way of the saloon doors, narrowly dodging a bullet from Kirigiri.

But now he was in Naegi's cross-hairs instead. "You cops always fall for that," Kirigiri said, calmly, her voice ringing out in the silent saloon, where everyone had put their drinks down or stopped polishing the glasses to watch. "Makoto, we're going," she said.

Naegi nodded and slapped some dollar coins down on the counter- a massive sum for that time. Then he loyally followed Kirigiri out the door, across the street, and up into the Chihiro Boutique. Following them intently was Ishimaru, although they knew he probably wouldn't bother them while they were still together.

Which was okay, because the only thing they didn't usually do together was going to the bathroom. That was just the way frontier life and banditry was.

"We're looking for a wedding dress," Kirigiri began when she stepped into the boutique. Chihiro, the owner had been dozing off at the desk, but brightened up when he saw them.

"Howdy strangers," drawled Chihiro in a bad Texan accent, "you ain't around from these parts, are ya?"

"Stop with the exaggerated accent and just help us," Naegi said, putting his hand on his holster. Chihiro gulped and stood up.

"Who's it for?" Chihiro said quickly, leading the bandit duo back into the shop, over by the wedding clothes. "Family, maybe?"

"A member of our group," Naegi said conversationally. "Nanami." He paused. "And I think Komaeda wants one too."

Chihiro shrugged and headed towards the door racks. The door creaked open and Ishimaru crept in, his twin hall passes aimed at Naegi and Kirigiri's back. He wiped his brow. He could do this.

Kirigiri glanced back slightly, and Ishimaru quickly dove under a bin filled with bonnets. Maybe he couldn't do this.

* * *

Doc Togami and a huge pile of money were locked into a room with a wall-mirror (that was secretly a two-way mirror for other paying customers'... viewing pleasure). The money had been bound up with belts to vaguely resemble a human being, assuming most human beings looked like Sheriff Yamada; the mirror, on the other hand, reflected Doc Togami's handsome visage.

"So..." Doc Togami said, sleazily, to himself in the mirror, "come here often?"

The mirror didn't respond. Doc Togami frowned.

"I... see," he said. He scratched his head and looked at the pile of money. "Well, how about your friend here?"

The door opened suddenly and Mukuro, now dressed in sensible clothes for the desert, ran in and slapped a large green picture of George Washington's face on the money monster. She ran out again.

Doc Togami wiggled his eyebrows at George. George looked stoically back. Doc Togami lowered himself onto the bed. George looked up at the ceiling. Doc Togami slowly began stripping. George's "face" slipped and started staring at the wall. Doc Togami pulled his underwear off, earning a chorus of "oohs" from beyond the mirror. George's "head" fell off, hit the floor, and scattered, sparing George from the obscene scene now beginning above him.

* * *

Sakura and Asahina glared at each other, staring intently but not moving a muscle. Sakura's thumbs and Asahina's guns were positioned in such a way that if either pulled the trigger, so to speak, the other would be hit in the head. But neither moved a muscle.

Leon, still hiding behind the cabinet, pulled out a harmonica to "set the scene", so to speak, but refrained for fear of the two deadly women. The two women simply kept staring.

And staring.

And staring.

And staring.

And staring.

And then, they both fired. But they both missed; two metal lids clanked against the plate glass storefront, while two jars of some sort on the back shelf shattered. And then both women ran forward and hugged each other.

Leon could feel the sap radiating from the two as they both tried to steal the other's weapons and wallets, just like in the old days.

* * *

They had already gone through a bottle each. Celes and Crazy Kure's tolerance for alcohol was infamous across Ded City and its environs, after all; people claimed that Crazy Kure's insanity came from when someone tried to deprive him of his precious, precious alcohol.

They were now playing Russian Roulette, both slightly tipsy (although it was hard to tell with Crazy Kure). Celes pressed the gun to her temple, pulled the trigger, and smirked when the gun only clicked; she handed the gun to Crazy Kure and took a shot of whiskey. Crazy Kure laughed wildly and spun the barrel, then clicked the gun shut and pressed the gun to his own face. It too did not fire. He sighed and drank more whiskey as well.

Celes had neglected to mention, of course, that she had already taken all of the ammunition out of Crazy Kure's pistol. He didn't notice. Celes giggled. "Ready to take it up a notch, hombre?" she whispered hoarsely to Crazy Kure. He stood up and she grabbed his hand with her gloved hand and pulled him to the back of the casino, out the door, and towards her private mansion. The crowd that had gathered around the two let out a collective groan of disappointment and returned to the slots.

* * *

Syo had vanished for the moment, into the Despair Brothel, the one place in town Sheriff Yamada had never stepped (the only 3-D girl that interested him was the lovely Miss Alter Ego, after all). He was getting ready for the duel.

He pulled out his finest pencils from his bedside drawer and under his pillow. He took out his largest ten-gallon hat, and put on his finest spurs and rattlesnake-skin boots. He looked like a real sheriff now. He took a glance at the signed picture of the lovely Miss Alter Ego ("There! I signed it, you creep, now go away!") from back when he was a young man and she a young woman; they still were, but now he was sheriff. He'd even thrown away his body pillows for her.

He knew that Genocider Syo was probably getting ready for the momentous duel. He took a look at the little silver band next to the picture, the one he planned to give to the lovely Miss Alter Ego after he won the duel, and shoved it in his pocket (not his underwear, mercifully for Alter Ego). He glanced at the clock. An hour left.

Genocider Syo was having the time of her life, drooling all over the floor at the sight of Togami and what was left of George in bed. She turned to Junko Enoshima and Mukuro Ikusaba, who were also in the room, and gestured at them with scissors. "I want a small portable mirror that will cover my face and enough dollar bills to cover me up, now!" she shouted, brandishing her blades at the Despair twins.

Junko rolled her eyes and Mukuro sighed and set off to satisfy their second crazy customer of the day.

* * *

Kirigiri and Naegi entered the Leon General Store and ignored The Donuts Kid and The Ogre sitting in front of a storefront checkers board, discussing life in the little town. The ex-detective duo had already made a deal with Chihiro to send Nanami and Komaeda up to try on their dresses; Chihiro was especially excited to work with Komaeda. Meanwhile, Kirigiri and Naegi moved on to the next item in their list: grocery shopping. Ishimaru, of course, followed them, although he'd disguised himself (ineffectually) as a frontier wife.

Kirigiri and Naegi immediately went to the shelves. Naegi grabbed a basket, and Kirigiri, consulting a list, started throwing things into it. Ishimaru followed behind, throwing the same things into his own basket, intending to go through it and find out what the duo was up to. Finally, Kirigiri and Naegi filled up the basket and went to Leon, paying for their purchase with a rare $50 bill. Once they were out the door, Ishimaru wandered up to the counter and began taking things out. "Quiet, Leon," he said, "I want to know what they're up to."

So he pulled out pickles, butter, bread, jam, coffee, tobacco, whiskey, glassware, ceramic-ware, silverware, gunpowder, salt, wheat, corn, and all other manner of food and general equipment, even Leon's famous baby food (mostly repurposed fruit that was too bruised to sell). Leon sure prided himself on the fresh food that arrived every day from the cities out west, thanks to the railroads.

Ishimaru sighed. "Just put everything back, Leon," he said. Leon nodded and set to work. Ishimaru looked out at Naegi and Kirigiri, who were now heading towards the Maizono Manor. "I'll get them yet," he snarled.

* * *

Doc Togami's attempts to woo headless George (Doc Togami always asked a lady he respected, or President in this case, for permission first) were interrupted when the door to the chamber opened again. He glared at first but when he saw what it was, he was momentarily silent. The newly-arrived person was completely naked, covered entirely in dollar bills, and had strapped a mirror now reflecting Doc Togami's own handsome face.

The twin Togamis, mirror and real, did many nasty things that are unprintable and would make the Despair girls a lot of money later on. And for the first time in her life, Syo fulfilled (one of) her deepest desire with her Byakuya-sama.

* * *

Asahina and Sakura walked into the saloon, ready to catch up over a drink or two. They walked up to the counter, like Naegi and Kirigiri had before, and sat down to order some fine tequila (Mondo's specialty. Besides butter, fresh batches of which only appeared after a bar fight). Mondo put the bottle and some glasses down and walked to the other end of the bar to serve some more customers. And then someone tapped Asahina on the shoulder.

"Desperado," said the man, a strange man with a scarred face and little hamsters sitting and watching from his white hat, "you're not welcome here in Ded City."

"Ah, back off, Gundam," Sakura said, calmly but firmly. "Let the Donuts Kid drink her fill and I'll take her out of the city."

"That's not enough, Ogre," Gundam Tanaka replied, "you see, people like me don't much like people like the Donuts Kid being in our city. Fill your hand, stranger."

Asahina stopped drinking. For a moment, the saloon, which had only just resumed its usual discussion following Naegi and Kirigiri leaving, fell into silence once again.

And then Asahina picked up the mostly-undrunk bottle of tequila and smashed it over Gundam's head. Gundam staggered, then ripped bench off of the floor and threw it at Asahina- only for Sakura to punch it out of the way, mid-flight. Then, a gray-haired, red-eyed calvary officer named Peko Pekoyama jumped off of her chair and smashed it over the head of Sakura. Sakura snarled and moved to attack Pekoyama for the attack, only for a local shopkeeper, a red-haired girl called Mahiru Koizumi, to pick up her own chair and attack Pekoyama.

And so it went, as the entire bar began fighting. Bottles flew, chairs were thrown, tables were flipped, glasses were smashed, and skulls were cracked in the all-out brawl. Gundam was even thrown out the plate-glass window, although he dusted himself off (somehow) and then ran away, shouting about calling upon his "four dark gods", his hamsters scurrying after him.

When the dust settled, Asahina, Sakura, and Mondo were the only ones still conscious, or, at least, actually in the saloon. Mahiru had run out after Gundam, shouting obscenities at him, and Mondo was busy scratching out "10 Days Since Last Bar Fight" on his back wall with a sigh. Asahina and Sakura took the last two bar stools and the last bottle of tequila and began drinking.

* * *

Celes and Crazy Kure had descended to strip poker.

That's all you need to know.

* * *

Yamada stepped out into the parched heat of Main Street, his hands hovering ever-so-slightly over his pencil holders. It was five minutes to high noon, and already people were gathering to watch the duel. The Ded City Orchestra had even gathered to begin the dramatic duel theme, lead by Director Ibuki Mioda.

The sun was high overhead when Genocider Syo emerged from the Despair Brothel, her tongue hanging out, her face stuck into a permanent psychopathic grin, a large black hat shielding her from the sun, and her hands hovering over her scissors holsters.

The duel theme continued as Monobear, who was the "referee" of the duel, stepped out of the Monobank and took his place in the middle of the street between Syo and Yamada. "Approach me and put your backs against each other," he ordered.

Syo and Yamada moseyed on towards each other. Then, they put their backs against each other, as Monobear instructed. "Take sixteen paces, ya bastards," Monobear ordered. Syo and Yamada moseyed down the street sixteen paces, their hands still hovering over their weapons. "Turn around." Syo and Yamada turned to face each other.

The heroic music stopped. More tumbleweeds blew by as, overhead, vultures screeched. Director Ibuki and Leon (all of whom were watching) took out harmonicas and began playing the usual drama-filled duel music, complete with large gusts of wind overhead.

"Draw!" Monobear ordered. Syo whipped out her scissors; Yamada yanked out his pencils.

Another vulture screeched; tension filled the air. The spectators leaned forward to watch the duel.

"Fire!" Monobear shouted, and retreated underneath a porch. Syo and Yamada threw their pencils in unison; one of Syo's scissors dug itself into the ground at Yamada's feet while the other sent his white hat flying. Syo, however, was not as lucky. One pencil had knocked her black hat off, while the other had sent Syo flying down the street, as people usually did in those days around projectiles, and killed her... or, at least, caused her to unleash an almighty sneeze, her tongue to retreat back into the mouth, and her to fall unconscious.

For a moment, everyone was silent, and then... cheering. Yamada, satisfied, walked over to his foe and grabbed his pencils, reholstering them, and then ran up to the lovely Miss Alter Ego.

He began to kneel...

"Sheriff!" called Ishimaru. Yamada gave his deputy a whithering glare and slowly stood back up.

"What is it, deputy?"

"Hurry, let's get a posse together! The rest of the Live Gang survived, we need to go after them!"

Yamada frowned and returned to his hat. He pulled the scissors out and put the hat back on, and turned to the crowd milling about. "Let's go!" he shouted. "Time to take down the Live Gang, once and for all!"

The people cheered again.


	2. Ded City Posse

A/N: And welcome to the second part of my story. This time featuring the posse and the final, heroic duel between Doc Togami and Sheriff Yamada.

By the way, my uncredited beta wanted to be credited. She's aireyverkhovensky on tumblr. Take that as you will.

* * *

Earlier, before the duel...

Maizono, Kirigiri, and Naegi had been sitting in the parlor, discussing their time back east, when someone rapped on the door. Maizono left the parlor, leaving Kirigiri and Naegi to discuss the upcoming wedding back at base ("I think Komaeda's the best man, but I think he's also planning on trying to steal Hinata away at the alter." "And I remember how we thought Doc Togami's best man speech being entirely about himself was inappropriate, Makoto."). Their discussion continued in this fashion until Maizono and a very poorly-disguised Ishimaru walked in behind her.

"Kyouko, Makoto," Maizono said, "this is Deputy Ishimaru. He's trying to arrest you two."

"Thanks, Sayaka," Naegi said. He pulled out his gun, as did Kirigiri, while Ishimaru gave Maizono a bewildered look.

"What?" she said innocently, and then she pulled a Bowie knife from out of her dress. Examining her fingernails, she said, "do you have a problem with me announcing a guest, deputy?"

"How! What?! But-! They're the enemy!" Ishimaru shouted, although he pulled his deputy badge out of his pocket and pinned it to his dress, "How can you, a citizen of such upstanding nature-"

Maizono rolled her eyes. "Deputy Ishimaru," Naegi said, "Sayaka Maizono is one of us. She is a 'Super Bandit Level Traitor'."

Maizono shoved Ishimaru into a doorway arch and pinned him to the arch with her Bowie knife. "Let's get away from this nitwit," she said, turning away from the lawman, "come on! To the horses!" With Ishimaru still bewildered and afraid, Maizono lead Kirigiri and Naegi outside to a horse paddock where the couple's horses had previously been moved. "So long, stranger!" Maizono shouted back into her house and, jumping up on her own horse, rode off into the desert with the outlaws.

* * *

Doc Togami dressed, got on his horse, and rode on out to the compound, leaving Syo to her fate.

He did wonder what happened to that sexy, slightly feminine, and rather bad-smelling stranger back in the brothel, though.

Donuts Asahina and Sakura rode out of town, still talking about their past, with Mahiru following behind on her own horse. After watching the duel and hearing Yamada's cries for a posse, Sakura (and Mahiru, who was listening in) decided to go out and help the Live Gang drive away the posse- with minimal losses, of course.

Mahiru joined them (as a "Super Bandit Level Feminist", although this being the Old West, she was more concerned with voting rights than anything else) and the three had set off.

Which was why they were riding out of town, as previously stated.

* * *

Syo, or rather, Fukawa, woke up from her dirt nap to see the posse riding out of town. She got up, thoroughly confused about what happened to Boston, and staggered down the street, into a local inn, and fainted.

* * *

Celes and Crazy Kure were dead drunk and now locked up in their bedroom, presumably dead asleep, since the noise had stopped a half hour ago.

Their two kids, both girls, 5 and 6, were very confused but had come to accept their father's strange way of returning from work, and resumed playing cards.

* * *

Hajime "Big Hope" Hinata and Chiaki "Gamer" Nanami were the two outlaws supposed to be guarding the Live Gang's mountain hideout compound. The key word, of course, is _supposed, _because the two were making out instead, ignoring the approaching Doc Togami, Kirigiri, Naegi, Maizono, Sakura, Asahina, and Mahiru. But hey, there were getting married next week, it wasn't their fault if they were on guard duty together.

Okay, it was. Big Hope Hinata was "Super Bandit Level Leader", and whenever Doc Togami was away, Big Hope Hinata was in charge, both _de facto _and _de jure_. Gamer Nanami, famous for gaming the casinos back in Vegas, had caught his eye long before they came to the Live Gang, and now the "Super Bandit Level Gamer" ran money-laundering schemes through Crazy Kure and Celes, as well as scamming half the politicians in Washington. They'd fallen in love on a train ride back from Atlanta and things hadn't been the same since, although it had taken a complete misunderstanding (involving anonymous love letters from Komaeda directed towards Hinata) for the two to accept a marriage proposition seemingly from the other.

So it fell to "Super Bandit Level Luck" Nagito "Lucky" Komaeda to open the gate doors, specifically by shooting in the air with his pistol and relying on that single bullet to hit the metal can next to Big Hope Hinata and Gamer Nanami, startling them out of their "session" and getting them to open the gates.

Naturally, it worked. Embarrassed, Big Hope Hinata opened the gates and let the returning gang (and friends) ride in. Once inside, they were greeted by the rest of the Live Gang. There was "Fatgami" Togami, Doc Togami's "twin", who was the owner of a local ranch, making him the "Super Bandit Level Rancher"; Kazuichi Souda, "Super Bandit Level Mechanic", and a former railway engineer; Fuyuhiko "Babyface" Kuzuryuu, the "Super Bandit Level Mafia", a Japanese-Italian gangster who bankrolled the Live Gang's activities; Princess Sonia Nevermind, a "Super Bandit Level Princess" that became addicted to a life of crime and now sheltered the gang diplomatically when needed; and Akane Owari, "Super Bandit Level Thief", a master at gaining access to things and running off, even if she couldn't avoid the law itself very well.

Together with the newly titled "Super Bandit Level Blacksmith" (which Sakura protested since she still considered herself a law-abiding citizen), the group gathered together to discuss the upcoming storm.

"I can offer immunity?" Sonia suggested.

"Like that'll work," sneered Babyface Kuzuryuu, "you know that Yamada is crazy."

"But Naegi can just stop him in court again!" Sonia said.

"Not since Judge Ego 'mysteriously' died at the Despair Brothel," Naegi said, shaking his head.

"Does it matter?" Kirigiri said, "the posse's coming and we need to fight them off. That's all." Naegi handed her a rifle and grabbed his own, and together they marched up on top of the stockade surrounding the bandit camp.

"Well," Doc Togami said, "she's right. We'll fight. Everyone, draw your weapons." And everyone did so. "Now, take your guns! Let's drive the lawmen away!"

The outlaws (except Sakura) gave a cheer and rushed to the stockade, except for Fatgami and Doc Togami, who hung back to discuss strategy. The desperadoes pulled out bandanas and tied them around their mouths and noses, and tilted their hats to keep the sun out of their eyes. They armed the rifles Souda was handing out, and readied themselves to fight the law.

* * *

The posse that gathered was the largest in Ded City's history. It had the sheriff, "Super Posse Level Sheriff" Hifumi Yamada; the deputy, "Super Posse Level Deputy" Kiyotaka Ishimaru; the saloon owner, "Super Posse Level Bartender" Mondo Oowada; the boutique owner, "Super Posse Level Crossdresser" Chihiro Fujisaki; the shop owner, "Super Posse Level Shopkeeper" Leon Kuwata; the banker, "Super Posse Level Bear", Monobear; the brothel owner, "Super Posse Level Pimp" Junko Enoshima; the brothel host (and former calvaryman), "Super Posse Level Soldier" Mukuro Ikusaba; a local horse rancher, "Super Posse Level Horse Breeder" Gundam Tanaka; an Army physician stationed by Ded City, "Super Posse Level Medic" Mikan Tsumiki; the music director, "Super Posse Level Conductor" Ibuki Mioda; a visiting Army officer, "Super Posse Level Drill Sergeant" Nekomaru Nidai; the master chef of a local restaurant, "Super Posse Level Chef" Teruteru Hanamura; a theatre owner, "Super Posse Level Dancer" Hiyoko Saionji; and, of course, the "Super Posse Level Love Interest" or, as she preferred, "Super Posse Level Riflewoman," the lovely Miss Alter Ego.

That's right, fifteen people (well, fourteen plus one bear). Ded City's posses were always somewhat large, though they also never accomplished much. They all got on horses, generously provided by Gundam and Yamada, and rode to the front of the town. Then they stopped as Yamada turned his horse around to address the posse. "Where are Lunderburg and Maizono?" he barked.

"Maizono is a member of the Live Gang, sheriff," Ishimaru said. "As for Lunderburg, I don't know."

Yamada snorted. "Very well, deputy," he said, "go find out what happened to Lunderburg. Meanwhile, the rest of us will ride out and string those varmints up!" As if for effect, Yamada pulled out a rope and waved it around, before stowing it in his saddlebags. "Let's go! To the Fatgami Corral!" He, and the rest of the posse, reared up their horses, and rode off towards the outlaws' hideout, leaving Deputy Ishimaru to ride out to the Lunderburg Mansion to investigate her disappearance.

Ishimaru rode up to the Lunderburg Mansion and knocked on the door. He was let in by the eldest of her daughters, who was used to seeing lawmen ride up to their mother's house, investigating the casino, and then leaving after a healthy bribe. Ishimaru was the sole exception, of course. "Where is your mother?" he said.

The girl sighed and lead Ishimaru upstairs to Celes- and Crazy Kure.

Twenty minutes later, the two of them were dressed and awake, both tied up and being dragged behind Ishimaru's horse towards the jail.

* * *

The Live Gang kept their rifles aimed towards the approaching cloud. The afternoon sun beat down on them, and the cloudless skies was filled once again with cawing buzzards. A large dust cloud and the sound of horses riding (or, rather, the sound of cantaloupes being banged together) rang out across the valley.

Now, a little context should be provided. Hope's Peak Valley has two ends, like most valleys, along with a river, and a luscious plain. In the surrounding mountains silver mining was carried out, and at one end of the valley was Ded City. Along the river (it is a rather large valley, you see) were numerous farms and ranches, pretty much all run by rich people, as was quickly becoming the norm. Already a major agricultural company had moved in by the Fatgami Ranch, at the other end of the valley, by the railway station. And it was on the ranch that the Live Gang had set up their little camp. Besides the railway, there was only one other way into the valley, a pass through the mountains by Ded City. And this pass was maintained by the United States Army, manned by the calvary. The valley was also famous for its very large vulture (or buzzard) population.

As this is a story about the Old West, the Native Americans who had their land stolen from them will be only be partially addressed, but don't worry: before his mysterious death, Judge Ego was able to prevent the entirety of the tribe controlling Hope's Peak Valley from being carted off to reservations by the Army, and now the tribe owns and controls most of both Ded City and the valley, including all the silver mines. They intermarried with the white people and Japanese people who moved in, including the parents of many members of the gang and the posse, but the mixed-race status of many of our heroes and villains aren't important and as such will not be addressed.

Anyway, the Live Gang were all ready for the showdown. The posse rode up and fanned out, sitting tall on their horses with their white hats gleaming in the sun. More vultures screeched, and Sheriff Yamada rode up to the gate to the compound. "Villainous gang!" Yamada yelled, "Your days are numbered! It is time for you to taste justice!" He pulled out his rope. "You will all hang from the gallows if you resist!"

Kirigiri responded by shooting his hat off.

"Don't... don't attack the law!" Yamada wailed. And so the shooting started.

* * *

The first thing that happened was Kirigiri getting into a long-range duel with both Mukuro and the lovely Miss Alter Ego, although Naegi and Komaeda did what they could to assist her. After a minute or two of shooting, Mukuro rode off towards the railway, fiddling with her rifle, while Naegi shot the lovely Miss Alter Ego's horse out from underneath her, earning him a lot of fire from Gundam and Yamada.

* * *

Meanwhile, Nidai lit a stick of dynamite and tossed it at the gate to the compound, blasting it to smithereens. But as soon as the dust cleared, Doc Togami rode out on his horse with his twin pistols, and Fatgami in one of the newfangled horseless carriages (car for short) equipped with a Gatling gun. The car roared out (well, as much as a car propelled by an early combustion engine can) and Fatgami began firing blindly, missing the posse members entirely- except for Gundam's horse.

While Gundam howled in agony over his beloved horse's death, Doc Togami rode over to Yamada and aimed his twin pistols at the sheriff. As if to make himself seem even more impressive, he even stood up on his saddle, entirely unconcerned, and began firing at Yamada. Yamada responded by emptying his rifle at the bandit, before throwing the rifle at him and pulling out his trusty twin pencils. He and Doc Togami rode away from the fight and began circling each other, getting ready to duel on horses.

* * *

Back at the stockade, Nanami and Hinata were firing at Leon and Chihiro. They had already dismounted their horses (or, rather, had been knocked off their horses by rifle fire) and now were hiding behind a hill, trading fire with the stated desperadoes. And, seeing as they were shop-owners, were failing- Tsumiki was already tending to Chihiro's left arm, which had a bullet lodged in it. To his credit, Chihiro kept on firing (with a pistol) with his right arm. Leon had an easier time, since he hadn't been hit yet, but he was panicking. His hat had even been shot off.

* * *

The rest of the posse rode into the compound, and were stopped by one woman: Sakura Oogami, who charged forward and kicked the new leader of the posse, Junko, off her pedestal... er, horse. Junko snarled and pulled a huge knife out of her... shirt, and charged at Sakura, only for Sakura to easily knock it out of Junko's hands. Junko retreated and pulled out a pistol (her rifle was shot of her hands by Sonia earlier) and began firing into Sakura, only for the bullets to seemingly have no effect as "The Ogre" charged towards her quarry.

* * *

Meanwhile, Hiyoko Saionji had dismounted her horse to confront Mahiru. Wordlessly, the two friends faced each other down, and pulled out their weapons: Hiyoko raised her rifle, and Mahiru her "Votes for Women" sign. And they stopped and stared, not unlike the encounter between Sakura and Donuts Asahina. Only this time, they didn't even fire. Instead, they took each other's arm and strolled out of the compound, waving around their sign and rifle, chanting about voting rights.

* * *

Souda and Nidai were in the center of the camp, a large flat area because it had been cleared in preparation for the upcoming wedding. Unlike the rest of the camp, which was filled with gunfire and sound of bullets ricocheting off of metal objects, Souda and Nidai were lighting sticks of dynamite and hurling them at each other. The explosions were deafening, and the horses were jumping over craters, but the fighting was still going on. "DIE, drat YOU!" Nidai roared, hurling another three sticks of dynamite at Souda. "DESPERADO!"

"I... I'm not going to die!" Souda shouted back. "I don't want to die!" And he hurled his own dynamite at Nidai. Before long, the two were left with only one dynamite stick left. Acting at the same time, they lit their sticks and threw them at each other. But while Nidai's missed Souda completely, skidding in front of an empty tent (Souda's, actually) and blowing it up, Souda's hit Nidai right in the chest.

And Nidai exploded, as did his horse. Yet somehow, they were both left heavily charred and weak... but not dead. Nidai coughed weakly, and the horse neighed weakly, and then Gundam grabbed both and started dragging them out of the compound, no doubt concerned about his horse. Souda, feeling guilty, rode over and dismounted to help Gundam take Nidai out to Tsumiki for attention.

* * *

Nearby, Monobear was squaring off Sonia, who, once properly fired up, was a maniac in battle. "You wanna die, you little money-hogging freak!?" Sonia shrieked, laughing maniacally, as she fired the Gatling gun she'd switched to at Monobear's feet, forcing the bear to dance. "Dance, cowpoke!"

Monobear panicked and began sweating profusely. "I'm not a cowpoke!" it protested. "I'm a bear!" But Sonia heeded him not, and Monobear was forced to dance.

* * *

Behind Sonia ran Babyface Kuzuryuu, brandishing a shotgun and chasing down Chef Hanamura, who was now sobbing apologies to the outlaws as he ran. Hanamura was joined by Ibuki and Mondo, who'd lost their rifles as well, and together the three were run out of the compound by the gangster. Akane joined Kuzuryuu at the front gate holding half-a-dozen stolen guns and with some snacks crammed in her mouth, and joined the gangster in shouting at the three fleeing posse members (about halfway back to Ded City, Hanamura and Ibuki decided to set up the musical score and refreshments for fleeing posse members and victorious outlaws instead, which quickly attracted the attention of Fatgami's Gatling car and left Fatgami happily eating Hanamura's cooking while Ibuki's grand orchestra began a stirring, brass-filled soundtrack to the fight, taking all three out. Mondo rode all the way back to the city to appear in the climax).

* * *

The final actors not explained overly-wordily yet is Donuts Asahina and Maizono. That is because they (the outlaws) had stolen Leon and Chihiro's horses and were riding back to Ded City to try and find Crazy Kure and Celes, two very important people to the gang since they needed to launder their money _somehow_. After stopping for some lemonade and donuts at Hanamura's Snack Shack, they rode towards the city, passed a large calvary column headed by Pekoyama, and rode into the climax. They will appear there shortly.

* * *

Mukuro rode to the train station and dismounted. She scanned the stockade for Kirigiri (who was still locked into a rifle duel with the lovely Miss Alter Ego) and, smirked, and pulled a sniper rifle out of her saddlebags, which is completely historically accurate. She stared down the scope at her quarry and prepared to fire...

And then Komaeda suddenly appeared next to Kirigiri and fired towards the railway station... and Mukuro. She dropped the sniper rifle, luckily saving her from a bullet that would've shot through her heart, only for the bullet to ricochet multiple times up a water tower. The rivets on the water tower were old and rusted over, and as such the water tower fell over. Towards Mukuro.

Mukuro rolled out of the way, narrowly saving her from being crushed by the water tower, but slipped on the water uncharacteristically and fell onto the railway tracks.

Mukuro stood up and breathed a sigh in relief, just in time for Leon's train carrying fresh produce to arrive three hours early. Mukuro jumped out of the way of the train onto a staircase descending onto the train tracks (at the time, the townsfolk had been confused as to its purpose) and collapsed.

* * *

Kirigiri and Naegi kept their attention focused on the lovely Miss Alter Ego, unaware of Komaeda's trick shot and Mukuro's near-demise. Since Doc Togami and Yamada had rode off and Gundam was distracted by his horses' deaths, the married couple could now focus on the second-best fighter in the posse (and one of the few actually motivated ones).

The lovely Miss Alter Ego was hiding behind the corpse of her horse and firing back at her rivals. For all her adult life, she had been compared to Kirigiri unfavorably, so this duel was especially important. Perhaps a display of shooting prowess would also make the Sheriff realize that she was not some _prize _to be won. She fired again, and her bullet clipped through Naegi's hair, just barely.

Up on the stockade, Kirigiri had trained her rifle on the horse corpse, right where the lovely Miss Alter Ego was hiding. She remembered her opponent from when she was little, back in the times of Judge Ego, and how she had trained her young charge (they were about 10 years apart, which meant that it was really creepy for the lovely Miss Alter Ego and the rest of the town that Sheriff Yamada, 28, was hitting on an 18-year-old). And now... well, now Alter Ego was trying to kill Kirigiri's beloved husband, who had only even shot the horse on accident (since he was rather nonviolent for an outlaw).

Alter Ego's head popped up, her eyes no-doubt narrowed, and the rifle gleamed in the sunlight. Naegi shot at Alter Ego, but his bullet missed her entirely; Alter Ego shot and a bullet grazed Naegi's right cheek, leaving a bloody streak. Kirigiri bared her teeth in anger but only shot Alter Ego's rifle out of her hands, and then called out, "Surrender, lawman!"

Alter Ego looked over to where her rifle was, looked up at the three outlaws with their guns trained on her (Kirigiri, Naegi, and Komaeda), sighed, and put her hands on her head. She was defeated.

* * *

On the other end of the stockade, Nanami and Hinata were still pinning down Leon and Chihiro. "Chiaki," Hinata said as the scene switched over to them, "you aren't treating this like a game again, are you?"

Nanami didn't even reply, as she was too concentrated on her newest game: shooting tufts of hair off of Leon. Hinata had already shot the guns out of Leon and Chihiro's hands, and Tsumiki was still tending to Chihiro (this time, his other arm), so Nanami had contented herself with the game. "Chiaki?"

About a minute passed. If it weren't for the sound of Sonia's Gatling gun, they might've been able to hear Leon sobbing over his lost hair. Chihiro was much grumpier, considering his injured limbs, but fortunately he would be able to get new robotic limbs that are in this story about the Old West because there was a pretty good "Super Merchant Level Roboticist" living in Ded City.

Finally, Nanami responded. "Yes, Hajime?"

"I just noticed that Kyouko got Alter Ego to surrender," Hinata said, pointing at Kirigiri and Naegi (and pointedly ignoring Komaeda's staring at Hinata). "Maybe we should make those three surrender too?"

"...sure," Nanami said. "Surrender now!" she called out to Chihiro and Leon.

"We surrender!" Leon screamed, jumping up, and put his arms over his head. It was at this point that Souda and Gundam dragged Nidai and his horse over to Tsumiki, so they didn't have their heads or hair shot off by Nanami and Hajime.

* * *

Junko and Sakura were still in their duel. By now, the two of them were clashing all over the bandit camp, almost equally matched: Sakura couldn't hit Junko, and Junko's bullets couldn't pierce Sakura. And then Sonia arrived with her Gatling gun. "Dance!" she said, and laughed madly. Monobear backed up to Junko and the two of them were forced to start tangoing or risk death by machine gun. Sakura watched Junko and Monobear dance, nodded, and let her blue animé flare die down. Then she grabbed a horse and rode off towards Ded City to help Donuts Asahina, stopping only to drink some protein coffee with Fatgami at Hanamura's Snack Shack.

Junko and Monobear, meanwhile, were progressing from the tango to a foxtrot to the Charleston to break dance, which makes about as much sense as a rapper in _The Great Gatsby_. Leaving Kuzuryuu and Akane to guard the "prisoners", Kirigiri, Naegi, Nanami, Komaeda, and Hinata joined in with Sonia in shouting dances for the bear and brothel owner to perform, resulting in what looked to be a fun evening for the gang.

And then an artillery shell blew up the armory dump.

* * *

A group of Native Americans tending to their cattle watched the unfolding duel. Just as had happened before, Sheriff Yamada was in a duel, only this time with the fearsome Doc Togami.

They each took ten paces out, then turned to face each other. An elderly Native called out "Draw!" and the sheriff and outlaw pulled out their pencils and guns, respectively. "Fire!"

And like a repeat of the earlier duel, both fired. Yamada's hat gained a second hole, and the second bullet was stopped by his sheriff's badge; Doc Togami had his hat blasted off and a pencil staked in his chest. Doc Togami doubled over in pain and collapsed on the ground as a heroic theme played.

And then the calvary rode past.

* * *

The calvary, headed (as previously stated) by Pekoyama, rode past Maizono and Asahina freeing Celes from the jail, past Ibuki's orchestra and the Hanamura Snack Shack, past Yamada scrambling up his horse, past the confused railroad workers eyeing Mukuro and the water tower, all the way to the Fatgami Ranch and the bandit compound. Then, as silently as the calvary could, they set up artillery and began firing into the compound, trying to take out the desperadoes.

The artillery barrage was withering and total. The stockade walls exploded, the ammunition dumps exploded, and the tents exploded. Before long, only a torn-up landscape greeted the calvary. It looked like something out of World War I. Vultures descended from the sky to begin feasting on horses blasted to pieces; the sun bore down on calvary officers as they began poking around the upturned landscape for flesh. Leon, Chihiro, Alter Ego, Souda, and Akane looked on in horror as Gundam tended to a barely-alive horse with its hind quarters blasted off and Tsumiki treated Kuzuryuu, who had lost an eye to the shrapnel.

"Commander!" hollered one posh gentleman from the back of the devastation, by the mountain the bandit stronghold had been built against, "I've found two of the missing townsfolk!" Two calvarymen rushed over and together the three pulled out two very dusty (and a little shellshocked) figures: Junko and Monobear. Neither of them reacted to questions- they were probably rendered deaf by the explosives. "There's a tunnel, too, sir!" the gentleman shouted to Pekoyama.

Pekoyama frowned and rubbed her chin, before contenting herself to interrogate Souda, Akane, and Kuzuryuu. "Where does that tunnel go?" she demanded, pulling out the ceremonial sword and waving it under Akane's face.

Akane just stared at her. Pekoyama frowned and repeated the experiment with Souda, only to achieve no effect. Finally, she moved on to Kuzuryuu. "Where do you think it goes, _sister_?" he spat, and then howled in pain since his shouting jostled his badly-injured eye.

Pekoyama responded by holding her sword directly over his eye, threatening to stab him. "I want answers, Fuyuhiko," she said coldly. He gulped.

"It goes to Maizono's mansion!" he said. "Maizono's mansion! Please don't make me blind!"

Pekoyama glared at Kuzuryuu and said to one of her men, "keep the prisoners under heavy guard. Make sure the townsfolk can return home."

"Sir!" replied the soldiers, and they mounted their horses and started circling around the desperadoes.

"The rest of you," Pekoyama said, mounting her house and pointing her sword up in the air, "follow me! Time to clear out some bandits!" And so the United States Calvary rode off towards Ded City, leaving only guards and artillery.

* * *

Crazy Kure and Celes sat in prison, both with massive headaches and generally not in their best frame of mind, as usually happened whenever the two got together. As a result, they didn't say anything.

Eventually, Ishimaru appeared. "Crazy Kure," he said in a loud, booming voice that caused his two dirty, hungover prisoners to cringe away, "you have sentenced to death for fraternizing with locals. Miss Lundenburg, you will be executed shortly afterwards for fraternizing with outlaws."

"Wh-what kind of law is that?" Celes whispered hoarsely. Ishimaru shrugged.

"My duty's to the law, ma'am," he said. "Follow me, Crazy Kure!"

Crazy Kure, handcuffed and at gunpoint, was forced to march to the gallows. Mondo was already there, holding a shotgun and looking menacing, just waiting for Crazy Kure's body so that he could make more butter. Crazy Kure walked up to the gallows and donned the noose. "Any last words, desperado?" Ishimaru demanded, a triumphant smirk on his face.

"May God, Buddha, Yamato, and Abraham Lincoln look down on me in mercy!" Crazy Kure wailed. Ishimaru prepared to yank the lever to open the trapdoor...

Only for a rifle-shot to sever the noose just as the trapdoor opened, the combination of which sent Crazy Kure tumbling backwards, saving him from a six-foot-drop. Before Ishimaru could react, his hat was shot off by the mysterious rifleman. A second gunshot shot Ishimaru's belt off, causing his pants to drop, much to only Mondo's pleasure, and then ricocheted to knock the shotgun out of Mondo's hands. And who was the gunman?

Why, it was Kirigiri and Komaeda, of course, as they lay on top of Maizono's mansion, since the outlaws within the compound had escaped to Maizono's house by using an invention of Souda's, the "rocket-train", for emergencies only, of course. Meanwhile, Maizono and Donuts Asahina were tying ropes to the jail-house bars and to Sakura, and with one mighty flex, the jail-house wall was ripped open, letting Celes out.

Naegi and the "restored" Syo walked into the gallows-yard behind the jail-house. Syo was holding two crystal balls, and Naegi had his rifle. With a single shot, he freed Crazy Kure from his handcuffs, and Syo threw the twin balls to Crazy Kure. Then, with single throws, Crazy Kure knocked out first Ishimaru and then knocked the shotgun out of Mondo's hand just as he finished picking it up again.

Crazy Kure scooped up one of his crystal balls and then hurried down the gallows stairs. With Naegi keeping Mondo at gunpoint, he was able to escape from the law unharmed. The three outlaws were out of the yard before Ishimaru had the time to finish fixing his pants.

At the front of the town, Sonia and Fatgami had their Gatling guns ready to take on the calvary. They had knocked holes in Mondo's saloon and the Despair Brothel, two buildings they knew the calvarymen wouldn't destroy, and waited. Tragically, by the time they had set up their posts Sheriff Yamada, with his horse dragging Doc Togami behind him, had already past into town and dismounted his horse.

Standing in the way of Sheriff Yamada from saving his jail were two figures: Big Hope Hinata and Nanami. Wordlessly, Yamada pulled out his twin pencils, and Hinata and Nanami pulled out their own guns.

Hinata and Nanami fired.

Yamada hurled his pencils.

Four bullets ripped into Yamada and he tumbled over. Two pencils simply knocked the dusty hats off of Hinata and Nanami. The victorious couple clapped hands and ran back to the gang. Together, the gang took their guns and ammunition and mounted their horses. Fatgami and Sonia emerged from their hide-holes, freed Doc Togami, and mounted Fatgami's car. Celes and Sakura waved them off, then hid themselves away in Sakura's house until the calvary had passed back through.

And thus, together, the Live Gang rode into the sunset, towards the mountain valley, never to be seen again.

That was, until next week, when Doc Togami used his connections to get the Army off the Live Gang's back, but that's a different story.

* * *

Sheriff Yamada woke up in his bed, and became vaguely aware of the lovely Miss Alter Ego and Tsumiki looking at him with concern. "What... happened?" he said, his voice hoarse, his breathing difficult.

"The outlaws shot you four times, tore the jail down, and escaped into the sunset," Tsumiki explained.

"Oh... I beat Doc Togami, though," Yamada said. "Oh, Miss Alter Ego, will you marry me now?"

"No," was her reply. Yamada tried not to cry. "But," she said, giving him hope, "if you learn to put your love of 2-D girls behind you, and lose some weight, I'll consider it."

And, with a nice little romantic tune being played by Ibuki's band out in the street, the lovely Miss Alter Ego bravely (and briefly) kissed Yamada's forehead.

The End.


End file.
